Zodiac Serial Monogamist Script

Zodiac Thief
Characters:
- John: Average guy from Delaware who has had a horrible
string of relationships - Mark
- Amithesthe Anderson: acts like stereotypical business
woman, she is very anal and detail oriented, taking notes
on everything and very to the point, cutting him off and
stuff like that. a con artist using Astrology to get
people’s SSN - Emma
- Waiter - Hikaru
- News Anchor: practically like a gameshow host, hams
everything up a lot - Henry
- Mom: classic embarrassing old mom - Lily
Scenes:
Date - Amithesthe avoids talking about work, gets john to talk
about himself a lot, She prompts him with basic questions then
veers towards security questions type stuff and zodiac signs
Home - final scene
Game: Amitheseth on a date asking questions to clearly learn his
personal information and steal his ssn, her identity gets
revealed at the end, she leaves, but manages to steal John’s
house

Guy waiting for his date to show up, ambiently playing in the
background is a news update about the “Zodiac Thief”

Zooming out from a TV screen showing a newsreel slowly.
News Anchor: Yes our experts have concluded that it is true that
you can figure out your SSN with just your date and time of
birth along with geographic location! Isn’t the Social Security
Administration so complex! And in other related news, the Social
Security Number thief is still at large. Known to some as the
Astrological Antagonist, also known as the Feminine Fraudster,
the Hateful Hippy Hooker-upper, or the Zodiac Serial Monogamist
is still at large. So beware bachelors, there is a Bad Biddie
out for your Bank account. Police have just released a list of
her aliases, including Amithesthe Anders...
Waiter: (turning off the TV and muttering) Ever since they got
new script writers, the news has gone to shit.
Pans to john, looking nervously at his phone
AA walks in in business woman attire and sunglasses, sits down
and takes out a notebook and pen
J stands up, extents a hand to her but she’s already sat down,
he awkwardly follows
J: Oh hi there, you look gr...
AA: (notebook in hand, ready to take notes) Name?
J: ah, um I’m John, it’s nice to…
AA: Last name and middle initial? Is it John or Jonathan?

J: Just john, and my goodness, you’re rather formal, I feel
underdressed compared to...
AA: Answer the question please sir.
J: (thrown off) Okie then... John C Johnson
AA:(pause then continues writing) John Johnson? Oh you poor man.
J: (laughs awkwardly) Hey, my parents weren’t too creative
AA: I can believe that. I’m Amithesthe Anderson, Gemini. I like
the technical side of astrology and direct answers.
J: technical side?? And astrology and direct answers? That’s a
very weird combination.

AA: (dryly) I guess I’m just not like other girls. I like that
I’m earthy and crunchy. What’s your sun sign?
J: Oh um, I think I’m an Aquarius haha, but my mom says I act
more like an earth sign, but I guess you could tell me what I’m
most like on our second date.
AA: Oh yeah absolutely, how do you like your birthday being so
close to valentine's day?
J: It’s not really, I mean, it’s a good two weeks away, and I’ve
never had to think about valentines day much cause I’ve never
been in a relationship, all my girlfriends typically breakup
with me right before my birthday.
AA: Mhm. So when was your most recent breakup?

J: The day before my birthday. Man, it was awful she stole my
car when we...
AA: I mean the date John.

J: Oh, it was the 29th of January, I remember it was so cold
when she left me stranded with only my bicycle in the...
AA: okay (checks watch) that’s great. What’s your favorite
hospital closest to your childhood home?
J: Um, jeez that's pretty specific I haven’t really given it
much thought. But enough about me, I wanna hear more about...
AA: Cut the chatter John. I want to know where you would’ve
taken a pregnant woman to give birth from your childhood home.
J: Oh. (pause, taken aback at the bluntness) I guess that would
be Christiana Hospital outside of Newark.
AA: Delaware Newark or New Jersey Newark?
J: Delaware, yeah, I was really happy growing up so close to…

AA: That makes a lot of sense. What’s your ascendent sign john?
It’s really connected to your sex life.
J: ugh, I gotta be honest, I don’t much like astrology really, I
don’t know, like Copernicus or something? I just wanna hear more
about…

AA: Capricorn?
J: (getting annoyed from being interrupted and her lack of
interest in him) Yes, Amithesthe, that’s it.
AA: mhm. Are you positive about that?
J: (begins getting increasingly agitated) no I’m not, because...
AA: I would love to hear about that later but I have another
question for you john.
J: Of course you do!
AA: Do you have sex after the first date?
J: (Completely bewildered) do I what? Excuse me?
AA: Sex. First date.
J: (sheepishly) oh um i mean, I’m not opposed I guess
AA: That’s great for you John, but I really can’t get behind
sleeping with someone who doesn’t know their ascendent sign.
J: oh, I see, well I mean I guess I’m sorry?
AA: (aggravated) don’t just give up john, I am willing to have
sex with you I just need to know your time of birth.
J: Oh um, I didn’t know it was so significant in astrology, I
can’t remember off the top of my head.
AA: Well that's a dealbreaker for me, I like to know who i’m
getting into before we get into anything
J: no wait! I’ll call my mom, she would know! Just, um hold on a
minute.
AA: (checks watch) you have two minutes.

J: fuck.(speed dials mom, stands up from table, over the
shoulder shot) Please, please pickup.

Mom: John? It’s 8 at night on a monday, you know that’s my
Family Feud time.
J: Mom, this can wait, I have a chance to get laid you just...
Mom: Oh about damn time john, you have had the longest dry
streak. I'm surprised you haven’t turned into the sahara desert
yet. Y’know that reminds me, I was talking to nancy about this
the other day...
J: MOM! (clears throat) I know, I know, you need to help me.
What time was I born??
Mom: what??
J: (glances at AA, she points to her watch) She needs to know my
astrology sign, cmon mom I know you know it.
Mom: oh, its 4:20:69 pm john I thought you always remembered
that dear
J: okay thanks mom.
Mom: are we still on for bingo tomorrow sweetie?
J: MOM! Not right now, sorry. (hangs up)

AA: so?

J: 4:20pm and 69 seconds.
AA: okay, (scratches down some figures like she’s doing math) so
you’re a rising Leo. Hmmmm… (writes down, looks pensive)
J: well? Gimme the news
AA: Okay, so we aren’t compatible, you have too low a libido for
my massive sex drive
J: Hey, what??
AA: (packing up stuff and standing up) Yeah, you’re a Sartorious
moon sign
J: Wait, that’s not a real horoscope… Holy shit, are you that
SSN thief, oh my god, I gave you all my info, is it really you?
AA: (puts down notepad, sighs) Yes it is me, I’m the
Astrological Antagonist, also known as the Feminine Fraudster,
the Hateful Hippy Hooker-upper, or the Zodiac Serial Monogamist…
J: You actually accept all those names? Pensive pause

Wait,

why are you doing this?
AA: (nods) They’ve actually grown on me, I am loath to admit it
though. Larger sigh
Fine I’ll explain, I’ll try being weak and vulnerable like you.
So it all began when my dad left my mom for our plumber when I
was two…

(Montage of her talking and John tearing up. Although she
portrays none of it; John reacts to all of it, he’s crying at
the end of it. She hands him a tissue.)

AA: Hey, I appreciate your listening ear, sorry I almost stole
your identity. (She looks at her watch.) Aaand time’s up, gotta
go.
J: Where are you going? (wiping up tears) We were finally
getting somewhere
AA: I book like five dates a night buttercup, I’m on a tight
sched. I’ll have my people call you.
J: For a second date?
AA: Hahaha, god no.
AA leaves

Scene 2 John at home:
He gets home and goes to the fridge, opens it up to get a beer
and on his favorite beer is a note. It reads: “Thanks for the
pep-talk pal. Love, the Thieving Temptress” he chuckles, and
puts the note down, but then realizes it has a note on the back,
it reads “ps, check the deed to your house.” He drops the
bottle, runs to his safe, and opens it, pulling out the
document, only to see that it has her name right by his.
He screams. Fade to black