Zodiac Thief Characters: - John: Average guy from Delaware who has had a horrible string of relationships - Mark - Amithesthe Anderson: acts like stereotypical business woman, she is very anal and detail oriented, taking notes on everything and very to the point, cutting him off and stuff like that. a con artist using Astrology to get people’s SSN - Emma - Waiter - Hikaru - News Anchor: practically like a gameshow host, hams everything up a lot - Henry - Mom: classic embarrassing old mom - Lily Scenes: Date - Amithesthe avoids talking about work, gets john to talk about himself a lot, She prompts him with basic questions then veers towards security questions type stuff and zodiac signs Home - final scene Game: Amitheseth on a date asking questions to clearly learn his personal information and steal his ssn, her identity gets revealed at the end, she leaves, but manages to steal John’s house Guy waiting for his date to show up, ambiently playing in the background is a news update about the “Zodiac Thief” Zooming out from a TV screen showing a newsreel slowly. News Anchor: Yes our experts have concluded that it is true that you can figure out your SSN with just your date and time of birth along with geographic location! Isn’t the Social Security Administration so complex! And in other related news, the Social Security Number thief is still at large. Known to some as the Astrological Antagonist, also known as the Feminine Fraudster, the Hateful Hippy Hooker-upper, or the Zodiac Serial Monogamist is still at large. So beware bachelors, there is a Bad Biddie out for your Bank account. Police have just released a list of her aliases, including Amithesthe Anders... Waiter: (turning off the TV and muttering) Ever since they got new script writers, the news has gone to shit. Pans to john, looking nervously at his phone AA walks in in business woman attire and sunglasses, sits down and takes out a notebook and pen J stands up, extents a hand to her but she’s already sat down, he awkwardly follows J: Oh hi there, you look gr... AA: (notebook in hand, ready to take notes) Name? J: ah, um I’m John, it’s nice to… AA: Last name and middle initial? Is it John or Jonathan? J: Just john, and my goodness, you’re rather formal, I feel underdressed compared to... AA: Answer the question please sir. J: (thrown off) Okie then... John C Johnson AA:(pause then continues writing) John Johnson? Oh you poor man. J: (laughs awkwardly) Hey, my parents weren’t too creative AA: I can believe that. I’m Amithesthe Anderson, Gemini. I like the technical side of astrology and direct answers. J: technical side?? And astrology and direct answers? That’s a very weird combination. AA: (dryly) I guess I’m just not like other girls. I like that I’m earthy and crunchy. What’s your sun sign? J: Oh um, I think I’m an Aquarius haha, but my mom says I act more like an earth sign, but I guess you could tell me what I’m most like on our second date. AA: Oh yeah absolutely, how do you like your birthday being so close to valentine's day? J: It’s not really, I mean, it’s a good two weeks away, and I’ve never had to think about valentines day much cause I’ve never been in a relationship, all my girlfriends typically breakup with me right before my birthday. AA: Mhm. So when was your most recent breakup? J: The day before my birthday. Man, it was awful she stole my car when we... AA: I mean the date John. J: Oh, it was the 29th of January, I remember it was so cold when she left me stranded with only my bicycle in the... AA: okay (checks watch) that’s great. What’s your favorite hospital closest to your childhood home? J: Um, jeez that's pretty specific I haven’t really given it much thought. But enough about me, I wanna hear more about... AA: Cut the chatter John. I want to know where you would’ve taken a pregnant woman to give birth from your childhood home. J: Oh. (pause, taken aback at the bluntness) I guess that would be Christiana Hospital outside of Newark. AA: Delaware Newark or New Jersey Newark? J: Delaware, yeah, I was really happy growing up so close to… AA: That makes a lot of sense. What’s your ascendent sign john? It’s really connected to your sex life. J: ugh, I gotta be honest, I don’t much like astrology really, I don’t know, like Copernicus or something? I just wanna hear more about… AA: Capricorn? J: (getting annoyed from being interrupted and her lack of interest in him) Yes, Amithesthe, that’s it. AA: mhm. Are you positive about that? J: (begins getting increasingly agitated) no I’m not, because... AA: I would love to hear about that later but I have another question for you john. J: Of course you do! AA: Do you have sex after the first date? J: (Completely bewildered) do I what? Excuse me? AA: Sex. First date. J: (sheepishly) oh um i mean, I’m not opposed I guess AA: That’s great for you John, but I really can’t get behind sleeping with someone who doesn’t know their ascendent sign. J: oh, I see, well I mean I guess I’m sorry? AA: (aggravated) don’t just give up john, I am willing to have sex with you I just need to know your time of birth. J: Oh um, I didn’t know it was so significant in astrology, I can’t remember off the top of my head. AA: Well that's a dealbreaker for me, I like to know who i’m getting into before we get into anything J: no wait! I’ll call my mom, she would know! Just, um hold on a minute. AA: (checks watch) you have two minutes. J: fuck.(speed dials mom, stands up from table, over the shoulder shot) Please, please pickup. Mom: John? It’s 8 at night on a monday, you know that’s my Family Feud time. J: Mom, this can wait, I have a chance to get laid you just... Mom: Oh about damn time john, you have had the longest dry streak. I'm surprised you haven’t turned into the sahara desert yet. Y’know that reminds me, I was talking to nancy about this the other day... J: MOM! (clears throat) I know, I know, you need to help me. What time was I born?? Mom: what?? J: (glances at AA, she points to her watch) She needs to know my astrology sign, cmon mom I know you know it. Mom: oh, its 4:20:69 pm john I thought you always remembered that dear J: okay thanks mom. Mom: are we still on for bingo tomorrow sweetie? J: MOM! Not right now, sorry. (hangs up) AA: so? J: 4:20pm and 69 seconds. AA: okay, (scratches down some figures like she’s doing math) so you’re a rising Leo. Hmmmm… (writes down, looks pensive) J: well? Gimme the news AA: Okay, so we aren’t compatible, you have too low a libido for my massive sex drive J: Hey, what?? AA: (packing up stuff and standing up) Yeah, you’re a Sartorious moon sign J: Wait, that’s not a real horoscope… Holy shit, are you that SSN thief, oh my god, I gave you all my info, is it really you? AA: (puts down notepad, sighs) Yes it is me, I’m the Astrological Antagonist, also known as the Feminine Fraudster, the Hateful Hippy Hooker-upper, or the Zodiac Serial Monogamist… J: You actually accept all those names? Pensive pause Wait, why are you doing this? AA: (nods) They’ve actually grown on me, I am loath to admit it though. Larger sigh Fine I’ll explain, I’ll try being weak and vulnerable like you. So it all began when my dad left my mom for our plumber when I was two… (Montage of her talking and John tearing up. Although she portrays none of it; John reacts to all of it, he’s crying at the end of it. She hands him a tissue.) AA: Hey, I appreciate your listening ear, sorry I almost stole your identity. (She looks at her watch.) Aaand time’s up, gotta go. J: Where are you going? (wiping up tears) We were finally getting somewhere AA: I book like five dates a night buttercup, I’m on a tight sched. I’ll have my people call you. J: For a second date? AA: Hahaha, god no. AA leaves Scene 2 John at home: He gets home and goes to the fridge, opens it up to get a beer and on his favorite beer is a note. It reads: “Thanks for the pep-talk pal. Love, the Thieving Temptress” he chuckles, and puts the note down, but then realizes it has a note on the back, it reads “ps, check the deed to your house.” He drops the bottle, runs to his safe, and opens it, pulling out the document, only to see that it has her name right by his. He screams. Fade to black