Anna Webster Bunting letter to Martha Schofield

[Number] 71 Fayette [Street] Utica April 6th

My dear Mart-
I was looking anxiously
for thy letter and was [underlined:so] glad to receive
it this morning- It did me more good
than I know how to express. I [underlined:knew] I should
have thy [?] sympathy and I felt
[underlined:so] much better after writing thee as I did
although I was but confessing my weakness
and sin- I ought to be stronger, not to
allow things so easily to overcome me,
but I think with [underlined:us all] we cannot control
our feelings
at [underlined:all] times- It was [underlined:so] strange
to me that after striving for years to crush
back a love that was so unfortunate, and
when I felt that [underlined:it was safe] that nothing
could ever again awaken it that all of
a sudden, it should rush back into my heart
again with a strength and energy, not to
be controlled, for the moment. I believe, after
all, that [crossed out:if] we little know our own [underlined:hearts]

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I am sure, I little knew mine, especially in
this respect. But That I [underlined:never] could or
would marry the one I so unfortunately loved.
Think what I have told thee of his habits-
Oh, I know [underlined: much more of his life] than I
ever would tell any one: things that his
friends never have [underlined: dreamed] of. He confided
in me, and told me the worst as he always
used to do, think I would ever be [underlined:his] wife?
[Underlined: No No!!] But oh how badly I felt for him.
I knew [underlined:why] he had become this and I
talked & pleaded with him to save himself
before it was too late that he [underlined:yet] might
be worthy the love of some pure minded
woman, He told me he did not see why [underlined:I]
needed to care so much about his conduct, and
that I must not let it worry me and I
asked him how I could help it I told him
to take the case home to his [inserted:own] heart, if I was
leading the life he is and careless of [crossed out: him]
myself how would [underlined:he] feel? He said "[Underlined:Oh Anna]
do not appeal so to my feelings: do not ask
me such questions" and the tears ran down his

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cheeks like a child's. Oh, I was almost wild.
I did not know what to say or do. Think Mart,
feeling as I did towards him ([underlined: with all his
thoughtlessness]) what would thee have said?
But I know this: that he never has injured
any one but himself, [underlined:with all] his faults. Oh
if I could feel that he would never more
think of the past, (when we were associates)
and try and be worthy of the love of someone
else, I should be happy- But I was not
[underlined: to blame, was I], Mart? I was so young &
he so good. I could not help loving him-.
Does thee think this sin will lay on [underlined:my
shoulder?] Oh, this is what troubles me so-
He won my affection, and then because he could
not marry me, plunged into dissipation to
[underlined:forget me], Oh, [underlined:am I] to blame? Tell me, Mart.
This is what makes my heart ache so sadly.
Oh, if he only would be good,-and he promised
me he would try- and I pray for him every
night before I sleep that he may return to
the fold of Christ- Oh. he was baptized when
I was and became a member of the church

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with me and now- see where he is! May our
Heavenly Father be merciful to him, and forgive
me for having [inserted: so] strong a hold in his affections
as to make him forget His holy religion- My
love for him I can much more easily crush back
again, than to feel this heavy burden upon me-

Oh, I well know the truth of
what thee said about unhappy marriages- Unless
I love my husband better than all else on Earth,
I never can be happy- I felt this, when I
promised to be John's wife and I shall
feel so still- I [underlined: would give my hand to him] if I
[underlined: had my choice between the two, this moment]- I
love and [underlined: respect, honor] & esteem John. He
has qualities that few can boast of- I love
and [underlined:pity] Ceylon. Which does thee think will
have the stronger hold upon my mind? I
know- The one I will ever prove faithful be.
I will never break my vows I have made this
will make me love him more; the others, I will
resolutely [underlined:crush out], and try to forget and I
know I shall succeed- Oh, John must never
know of this- He would never respect me again
but he can never understand [underlined:all] I have had
to suffer, and I must not tell him- He is
noble & good- I often, often feel that I am not
worthy of his love and wish I could be a better
girl. But I am weak, I wish I could be
stronger in mind-

But Mart how I am running
on. But I have not forgotten thee all the while
I have been writing this. How much I wish
too, that I might see thee, and lay my head

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on thy arm, We both have had trails, and I
can sympathize with thee deeply, as thee has done
with me- Oh, darling- it is as thee says- It makes
us nobler, stronger when we suffer, and conquer
our sorrows- We have more feeling for other
hearts bowed in anguish and can do them good
by giving them our love and sincere sympathy-
I never asked thee much about thy early
attachment, for I felt it was too sacred a subject
for even more, one of thy best friends to ever
mention, I knew nothing of the circumstances
Poor Child! how deep thy sorry was- Thy heart
too was so loving and affectionate! But it
has proved strong and brave, she so tender and
full of feeling- No one knows how much
I have wished to see thee happily married
but fear thee would never love another-
Thee has nobly [underlined: strive and conquered] and
thee will yet be repaid- To think of thee,
my gentle loving Mart, ever being proud and
haughty! I can hardly realize such a change
taking place in thee- I never saw thee this,
I can hardly believe it in [underlined:thy] nature. But
[underlined:now], I know thee [crossed out:will] would never cast aside

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a pure love that was offered thee, again, and
be to be too proud to reclaim it. Thee has suffered
too much in the past. Yet thee [crossed out: is] was much like
me. I [underlined: would die] rather than recall haughty
words & actions, to effect a reconciliation.
When I felt that I was wronged even for
one moment, John has often told me that
he has begged & pleaded to be forgiven for
things [crossed out: that] when he [underlined:knew] in his heart I was in
the fault but my haughtiness would never
allow [underlined:me] to do this whether I was wrong
or not, Had it not been for [underlined: his ever] kind
anxious, pleading manner I too, would now
have been suffering as thee did- I know too
well what thy feelings were. Oh. John has
[crossed out:been] a noble heart. I wish thee had some
one to love thee as wholly as he does, me- I
am so glad he came in that evening when
thee was so lonely and cheered thee- I shall
ever bless him, if he can lift a cloud from
thy brow and [underlined:thee too], for making so many
of his dreary hours pleasant and cheering-
For are you not my two dearest friends, for

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whom I daily pray for, and ask our Father
in Heaven to pour upon your hearts the
richest of his mercies and blessings. Thee can
imagine, she among my friends here when
my mind often wanders and how much I
wish I might revisit the scenes where I have
spent so many happy hours- Oh, these delicious
Spring days! How I want to walk with thee
through the woods for moss and wild flowers.
I never was confined within city walls before,
and it is quite a trail to me.
I feel much worried about thy
father, and hope he is again well. Oh, so
many are dying about here. Our dear pastor
[Reverend] D. Brandegee & my Sabbath School teacher
died suddenly yesterday morning- He worked
very hard during Lent to cancel the debt
of $10,000 on our new church (a splendid
edifice) and [underlined: Easter Sunday] morning, it was
accomplished- It was his last Sabbath
to [underlined:preach on earth] he lived only to see
the burden fall from the minds of his
people, through his efforts then passed

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quietly yet
away suddenly, Oh how we all shall mourn
his loss! [Underlined: No More] in the pulpit, no more with
his hands receive the holy sacrament, no more
be taught [own?] is life at the Sabbath School.
No more see his pleasant smiling face, on earth.
Mr. Maison was well acquainted with him, I shall
send him a paper containing an account of his
death-

Write me soon, so that I can know how
thy dear father is- I feel very anxious about
him. Thee was much in thy mind to worry thee-
Do not let my troubles make thee, more unhappy
I wish so much I might see thee, and tell thee
all- It would be such a relief- I know I
have thy sympathy always and thy prayers-
No one knows how much I love thee and
wish for thy happiness. God will bless thee for
the kindness thee renders thy many friends-
Oh, how grateful I feel, that among so many,
I hold so near a place in thy heart. May I
ever be worthy of it- and in here I can give
thee my sympathy, I will always do so- Thee will
ever find me true to thee as I know thee
is to me- We will bear our burdens together
and it will make us both happier- Oh. I long
for the time when I shall be when I can see
thee often and talk to thee as I wish-
Good bye not, darling- Forgive me
for complaining so much but I do feel so
much better by writing my feelings- Write soon
& accept much love from [?] soon [aff?] Anna
Love to Lide & all the rest.