[Number] 71 Fayette [Street] Utica April 6th My dear Mart- I was looking anxiously for thy letter and was [underlined:so] glad to receive it this morning- It did me more good than I know how to express. I [underlined:knew] I should have thy [?] sympathy and I felt [underlined:so] much better after writing thee as I did although I was but confessing my weakness and sin- I ought to be stronger, not to allow things so easily to overcome me, but I think with [underlined:us all] we cannot control our feelings at [underlined:all] times- It was [underlined:so] strange to me that after striving for years to crush back a love that was so unfortunate, and when I felt that [underlined:it was safe] that nothing could ever again awaken it that all of a sudden, it should rush back into my heart again with a strength and energy, not to be controlled, for the moment. I believe, after all, that [crossed out:if] we little know our own [underlined:hearts] [Page Break] I am sure, I little knew mine, especially in this respect. But That I [underlined:never] could or would marry the one I so unfortunately loved. Think what I have told thee of his habits- Oh, I know [underlined: much more of his life] than I ever would tell any one: things that his friends never have [underlined: dreamed] of. He confided in me, and told me the worst as he always used to do, think I would ever be [underlined:his] wife? [Underlined: No No!!] But oh how badly I felt for him. I knew [underlined:why] he had become this and I talked & pleaded with him to save himself before it was too late that he [underlined:yet] might be worthy the love of some pure minded woman, He told me he did not see why [underlined:I] needed to care so much about his conduct, and that I must not let it worry me and I asked him how I could help it I told him to take the case home to his [inserted:own] heart, if I was leading the life he is and careless of [crossed out: him] myself how would [underlined:he] feel? He said "[Underlined:Oh Anna] do not appeal so to my feelings: do not ask me such questions" and the tears ran down his [Page Break] cheeks like a child's. Oh, I was almost wild. I did not know what to say or do. Think Mart, feeling as I did towards him ([underlined: with all his thoughtlessness]) what would thee have said? But I know this: that he never has injured any one but himself, [underlined:with all] his faults. Oh if I could feel that he would never more think of the past, (when we were associates) and try and be worthy of the love of someone else, I should be happy- But I was not [underlined: to blame, was I], Mart? I was so young & he so good. I could not help loving him-. Does thee think this sin will lay on [underlined:my shoulder?] Oh, this is what troubles me so- He won my affection, and then because he could not marry me, plunged into dissipation to [underlined:forget me], Oh, [underlined:am I] to blame? Tell me, Mart. This is what makes my heart ache so sadly. Oh, if he only would be good,-and he promised me he would try- and I pray for him every night before I sleep that he may return to the fold of Christ- Oh. he was baptized when I was and became a member of the church [Page Break] with me and now- see where he is! May our Heavenly Father be merciful to him, and forgive me for having [inserted: so] strong a hold in his affections as to make him forget His holy religion- My love for him I can much more easily crush back again, than to feel this heavy burden upon me- Oh, I well know the truth of what thee said about unhappy marriages- Unless I love my husband better than all else on Earth, I never can be happy- I felt this, when I promised to be John's wife and I shall feel so still- I [underlined: would give my hand to him] if I [underlined: had my choice between the two, this moment]- I love and [underlined: respect, honor] & esteem John. He has qualities that few can boast of- I love and [underlined:pity] Ceylon. Which does thee think will have the stronger hold upon my mind? I know- The one I will ever prove faithful be. I will never break my vows I have made this will make me love him more; the others, I will resolutely [underlined:crush out], and try to forget and I know I shall succeed- Oh, John must never know of this- He would never respect me again but he can never understand [underlined:all] I have had to suffer, and I must not tell him- He is noble & good- I often, often feel that I am not worthy of his love and wish I could be a better girl. But I am weak, I wish I could be stronger in mind- But Mart how I am running on. But I have not forgotten thee all the while I have been writing this. How much I wish too, that I might see thee, and lay my head [Page Break] [Number] 2 on thy arm, We both have had trails, and I can sympathize with thee deeply, as thee has done with me- Oh, darling- it is as thee says- It makes us nobler, stronger when we suffer, and conquer our sorrows- We have more feeling for other hearts bowed in anguish and can do them good by giving them our love and sincere sympathy- I never asked thee much about thy early attachment, for I felt it was too sacred a subject for even more, one of thy best friends to ever mention, I knew nothing of the circumstances Poor Child! how deep thy sorry was- Thy heart too was so loving and affectionate! But it has proved strong and brave, she so tender and full of feeling- No one knows how much I have wished to see thee happily married but fear thee would never love another- Thee has nobly [underlined: strive and conquered] and thee will yet be repaid- To think of thee, my gentle loving Mart, ever being proud and haughty! I can hardly realize such a change taking place in thee- I never saw thee this, I can hardly believe it in [underlined:thy] nature. But [underlined:now], I know thee [crossed out:will] would never cast aside [Page Break] a pure love that was offered thee, again, and be to be too proud to reclaim it. Thee has suffered too much in the past. Yet thee [crossed out: is] was much like me. I [underlined: would die] rather than recall haughty words & actions, to effect a reconciliation. When I felt that I was wronged even for one moment, John has often told me that he has begged & pleaded to be forgiven for things [crossed out: that] when he [underlined:knew] in his heart I was in the fault but my haughtiness would never allow [underlined:me] to do this whether I was wrong or not, Had it not been for [underlined: his ever] kind anxious, pleading manner I too, would now have been suffering as thee did- I know too well what thy feelings were. Oh. John has [crossed out:been] a noble heart. I wish thee had some one to love thee as wholly as he does, me- I am so glad he came in that evening when thee was so lonely and cheered thee- I shall ever bless him, if he can lift a cloud from thy brow and [underlined:thee too], for making so many of his dreary hours pleasant and cheering- For are you not my two dearest friends, for [Page Break] whom I daily pray for, and ask our Father in Heaven to pour upon your hearts the richest of his mercies and blessings. Thee can imagine, she among my friends here when my mind often wanders and how much I wish I might revisit the scenes where I have spent so many happy hours- Oh, these delicious Spring days! How I want to walk with thee through the woods for moss and wild flowers. I never was confined within city walls before, and it is quite a trail to me. I feel much worried about thy father, and hope he is again well. Oh, so many are dying about here. Our dear pastor [Reverend] D. Brandegee & my Sabbath School teacher died suddenly yesterday morning- He worked very hard during Lent to cancel the debt of $10,000 on our new church (a splendid edifice) and [underlined: Easter Sunday] morning, it was accomplished- It was his last Sabbath to [underlined:preach on earth] he lived only to see the burden fall from the minds of his people, through his efforts then passed [Page Break] quietly yet away suddenly, Oh how we all shall mourn his loss! [Underlined: No More] in the pulpit, no more with his hands receive the holy sacrament, no more be taught [own?] is life at the Sabbath School. No more see his pleasant smiling face, on earth. Mr. Maison was well acquainted with him, I shall send him a paper containing an account of his death- Write me soon, so that I can know how thy dear father is- I feel very anxious about him. Thee was much in thy mind to worry thee- Do not let my troubles make thee, more unhappy I wish so much I might see thee, and tell thee all- It would be such a relief- I know I have thy sympathy always and thy prayers- No one knows how much I love thee and wish for thy happiness. God will bless thee for the kindness thee renders thy many friends- Oh, how grateful I feel, that among so many, I hold so near a place in thy heart. May I ever be worthy of it- and in here I can give thee my sympathy, I will always do so- Thee will ever find me true to thee as I know thee is to me- We will bear our burdens together and it will make us both happier- Oh. I long for the time when I shall be when I can see thee often and talk to thee as I wish- Good bye not, darling- Forgive me for complaining so much but I do feel so much better by writing my feelings- Write soon & accept much love from [?] soon [aff?] Anna Love to Lide & all the rest.