Alabaster Heights Script

Alabaster Heights: A series of vignettes
Premise:
Alabaster Heights is a shitty soap opera following the
Alabaster family, a prominent wealthy family with stupid
habits. There are three “episodes”, each with a new lovetriangle.
Characters:
● Filbin Alabaster:

the stern patriarch, rarely emotes,

hates hippies, not over the death of Ghostina, his wife
● Rosalind Alabaster: the entitled daughter, has a habit of
fainting a lot, in a love triangle with Dahvwick and Talbot
● Ghostina Alabaster: the recently dead wife of Filbin now a
ghost, everyone misses her and clearly sees her ghost but
ignores her
● Dahvwick Tipple:

the boisterous weak and wimpy fiance to

Suezetta, always tries to fight to solve things, can’t
fight
● Talbot Bertrand:

the boisterous weak and wimpy ex-lover

to Suezetta, “often says I will not let you marry her!”
● Baxter The Butler:

silent and omnipresent, has a gun?

Game:
● So many love triangles! Each ends with a fight, disapproval
from Filbin, a bad joke from the dead mother, a fight
between Dahvwick and Talbot, and Suezetta fainting.
The Formula (Outline!!!):

Vignette #1: Rosalind + Dahvwick
Library, FILBIN is sitting and reading. The BAXTER is near
FILBIN:

What a lovely day we are having, yes Baxter?

BAXTER:

Indeed good sir, yes yes.

FILBIN:

Make sure I am not to be disturbed today. For I must
work diligently to upkeep our stately manor and family
business. Since my dear wife passed, I cannot cope.

BAXTER:

Quite right sir, I shall.

Suddenly a knock is heard, door slams open: in walk
ROSALIND with DAHVWICK in tow.
ROSALIND: Pa’pa! You must say yes! You must! I’m in love!
FILBIN:

Daugh-ter! What is this nonsense! Whom is this man?

ROSALIND: Oh Pa’pa, this is sweet DAHVWICK! For you he has a
question! Oh ask Pa’pa, will you Dahviewavie? You must
DAHVWICK: (Clears throat) Ahem, Mr. Alabaster, dear Pa’pa--if I
may--I wish to have your blessing to marry your
daughter--if I may
FILBIN:

(Scoffs heartily) Rosalind! A bride? With this man?

ROSALIND: Yes pa’pa! With this boy! Oh please say yes
FILBIN:

How could you! But a mere five years after your
mother’s death?! What on earth would she say?

From the wall, GHOSTINA ALABASTER appears; she is a ghost:
GHOSTINA: But my love, Filbin! I am here! I am here always! I
wish our daughter love! That she may marry Dahvwick!

FILBIN:

Oh Rosalind! (ROSA: Pa’pa!) It’s like I hear her now,
calling from heaven above! Like she’s saying…

GHOSTINA: Yes!
FILBIN:

No! She says no!

ROSALIND: Pa’pa!

DAHVWICK: Pa’pa noooooo!

Suddenly, the door bangs open. In strides TALBOT. All shocked
TALBOT:

I will not let you marry herrr!

ROSALIND: Talbot Bertrand? Oh Talbot! My former lover and
fiance, for what are you here for?
TALBOT:

Oh Rosalind, my former lover and fiance, for your hand

ROSA and TALB embrace, stare longingly
DAHVWICK: No you shant! I protest! Fight for her, I shall!
ROSALIND: Dahvwick, no!
TALB and DAHV move to fight, then just flap their arms
GHOSTINA screams, FILBIN barks “ENOUGH!”, ROSA faints
BAXTER slaps DAHV and TALB upside the head, they both faint

Vignette #2: Rosalind + Talbot
Library, FILBIN is sitting and reading. The BAXTER is near
FILBIN:

What a lovely day we are having, yes Baxter?

BAXTER:

Indeed good sir, yes yes.

FILBIN:

Make sure I am not to be disturbed today. Yesterday’s
disturbances were too much for my poor heart to bear.

BAXTER:

Quite right sir, I shall.

Suddenly a knock is heard, door slams open: in walks
ROSALIND with TALBOT in tow.
ROSALIND: Pa’pa! You must say yes! You must! I’m in love!
FILBIN:

Daugh-ter! Again?! Tell me it is not so

ROSALIND: Oh Pa’pa, it is! But this time I am in love with dear
Talbot, with whom I wish to marry! You must pa’pa
TALBOT:

(Clears throat) Ahem, Mr. Alabaster, dearest Pa’pa--if
I may--I wish to have your blessing to marry your
daughter--if I may

FILBIN:

(Scoffs heartily) Rosalind! You floozy! A new man!

ROSALIND: Yes pa’pa! He was my once fiance, then lover, now
fiance once more! I wish to marry him!
FILBIN:

How could you! But a mere six years after your
mother’s death?! What on earth would she say?

From the wall, GHOSTINA ALABASTER appears
GHOSTINA: But my love, Filbin! I am still here, and yet you

cannot see me! If our daughter finds this love true,
then she may marry-FILBIN:

Oh Rosalind! (ROSA: Pa’pa!) I hear her! Your ma’ma!

GHOSTINA: Yes! You can! Speak to me dear Filbin!
FILBIN:

(Pause) No! She says no!

ROSALIND: Pa’pa!

TALBOT: But Pa’pa noooooo!

Suddenly, the door bangs open. In strides DAHVWICK. All shocked
DAHVWICK: Rosalind?!?
ROSALIND: Dahvwick Tipple?! My former lover and fiance returned
once more?!?! I thought you’d gone, so I am promised
to Talbot now.
DAHVWICK: Oh Rosalind, my former lover and fiance!
ROSA and DAHV embrace, stare longingly
TALBOT:

I will not let you marry herrr!

DAHVWICK: No you shant! I protest! Fight for her, I shall!
ROSALIND: Talbot, Dahvwick! My boys! Oh no!
TALB and DAHV move to fight, then just flap their arms
GHOSTINA screams, FILBIN barks “ENOUGH!”, ROSA faints
BAXTER slaps DAHV and TALB upside the head, they both faint
BAXTER:

Vignette #3: Talbot + Dahvwick
Library, FILBIN is sitting and reading. The BAXTER is near
FILBIN:

What a lovely day we are having, yes Baxter?

BAXTER:

Indeed good sir, yes yes.

FILBIN:

Today is the day, dear Baxter, I must have silence! My
heart is too big, and my emotions cannot handle
heartbreak, betrayal, and a racket anymore.

BAXTER:

Quite right sir, I shall.

Suddenly a knock is heard, door slams open: in walk TALBOT
with DAHVWICK in tow.
TALBOT:

Pa’pa! You must say yes! You must! I’m in love!

FILBIN:

Tal-bot! What is this nonsense! Whom is this man?

DAHVWICK: Oh Pa’pa, this is sweet Talbot! And I am Dahvwick. We
are in love and wish for your approval
TALBOT:

(Clears throat) Ahem, Mr. Alabaster, dear Pa’pa--if I
may--I wish to have your blessing to marry--

FILBIN:

(Scoffs heartily) Psshaw! Where is my daughter?!

The camera pans down, ROSALIND is still on the floor: She
wakes up once more:
ROSALIND: Pa’pa?!? Talbot?!? Dahvwick?!?! For what are you?!
TALBOT:

His hand!

DAHVWICK: Our Love!
ROSALIND: Pa’pa!?!?
ALL bicker and almost throw hands. From the wall, GHOSTINA:

GHOSTINA: Enough of this nonsense! What is this triangle of love
I see before mine eyes?! Filbin! Dearest daughter
Rosalind! You must say no! This makes no sense!
ALL stop as if they heard GHOSTINA. Pause:
FILBIN:

Did you hear something?

ALL (mumbled out of sync):

Naw… Definitely just some wind…

ALL ignore GHOSTINA. PAUSE:
FILBIN:

I say yes!

ROSALIND: Pa’pa! No! (ROSA frantically steps between TAL&DAHV)
Talbot! (stares deeply) Dahvwick! (stares deeply)
TALBOT:

I will not let you marry herrr!

TALB and DAHV step together in front of ROSA
DAHVWICK: Talbot Bertrand? Oh Talbot! My former lover and
Fiance, I say yes!
ROSALIND: Former love-uh!?!
DAHVWICK: Yes! (nods emphatically) TALBOT:
ROSALIND: no!
FILBIN:

Indeed! (nods)

GHOSTINA: No!

Yessss!

ROSA faints, GHOSTINA screams, FILBIN nods emphatically
DAHV and TALB move to kiss: BAXTER pulls out a bible and
bouquet of flowers: officiates their wedding over
ROSALIND’s fainted body