Flayed Script

Customer 1: “When I decided to lose the weight, finding a weight loss program that worked
with the natural rhythms of my body seemed hopeless. All that changed when I discovered this
brand-new medical miracle. [Holds up a bottle of pills] Now, with just one pill a day, I am on the
path to a slimmer self -- naturally!”
Narrator: Did you know that your body holds its own weight-loss secret? Humans sluff off
30,000 to 40,000 skin cells every minute. That’s almost 9 pounds of skin a year!
Scientists realized that our bodies lose weight naturally with every dead cell… the trouble is
they keep growing back. So we at Flayed created a drug that prevents the production of new cells
and allows your body to lose weight naturally.
Customer 1: [Eating pizza in a picturesque place] “With Flayed, I get to eat all my favorite
foods without any extra workout routines.”
Customer 2: [In a sunny field or something] “I started on Flayed two months ago, and my skin
is looking rosier every day!”
Customer 1: “It might not be a lose-weight-fast schtick, but the results are guaranteed and it
gives me something to look forward to.”
Narrator: And weight loss is just one of Flayed’s many benefits. Just ask renowned
dermatologist Dr. Tyson!
Dr: “Cancerous cells are often the result of an error in mitosis, so I suppose one could argue that
impeding the generation of new epidermic tissues technically reduces one’s risk of skin cancer,
but --” [cut to next clip]
Narrator: That’s right, scientists at Flayed have altogether eliminated your epidermis’ ability to
undergo mitosis.
Customer 2: No skin, no skin cancer!
[Customer 2 absent-mindedly scratches their shoulder, which starts gushing blood. Customer 2
looks horrified. Video cuts to next clip]
Narrator: Watch your freckles vanish within a month! … Say no to wrinkles!
[Slow-motion video of Customers 1 and 2 splashing their faces with water and taking off layers
of skin in the process]

Narrator: You can rest assured that there will be less of you, or your money back! When you
see the results, you’ll beg to pay an arm and a leg, but at just $99/month, it’s no skin off your
nose! Order today for free shipping, plus a free vial of Flayd’s sister product, Vivisect: liberate
yourself from any inessential limbs!
[sped up while before and after shots play on screen] Side effects of Flayed include: death. Side
effects may include: extreme rash, headache, nausea, vomiting, internal sweating, dizziness,
singing the first three lines of “Ice Ice Baby” at malapropos occasions, dysentery, loss of limbs,
phobia of shoelaces, cardiac arrhythmia, and general dampness.