The Nursery Script

Int - Hospital Nursery - Day
TYLER1 is gently holding baby and putting it to bed. There are 4
other babies in the room who are snoring quietly. OLIVER opens
the door and walks into the room. TYLER looks at OLIVER and puts
his finger to his lips to signify that TYLER should be quiet.
OLIVER nods and then walks over quietly to them.
OLIVER looks down at the baby and smiles
OLIVER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Wow Tyler, when I heard you got hired to work in the
hospital nursery, I gotta say I was concerned, but you
seem to be doing really great. It looks like you may
have finally found a job you can hold down.
TYLER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Thanks Oliver, Yeah after getting fired from apple
bees I really reconsidered the type of person I want
to be and figured I have to find better ways to cope
with anger than punching customers square in the face.
OLIVER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Wow, that’s amazing. Great personal growth.
OLIVER looks back to baby
OLIVER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
O my goodness this baby is so precious. What’s his
name
TYLER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Jeffrey Epstein!
OLIVER
(Yells in shock)

What!?!?
All the babies in the room start crying.
TYLER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
OLIVER control yourself man! You are gonna wake up the
kids.
Tyler runs to one of the other cribs and starts addressing the
kids.
OLIVER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
I am sorry, I was just shocked that a parent would
name their kid Jeffrey Epstein after what happened.
TYLER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Oh don't worry they didn't name him that (beat) I did!
OLIVER
(Whispers projecting, angrily)
You named someone else’s kid “Jeffrey Epstein”?
TYLER
(Whisper voice, but like still projecting so the audience hears)
Yeah they had it coming though trust me. The mom was
being so rude during the delivery
OLIVER
You can’t just change a kid's name because their
parents were rude to you.
TYLER
Well sure I can, how else do you expect me to get
through this job?
OLIVER
Wait, you are telling me you have done this multiple
times?

(OLIVER runs over to another baby and reads the name)
OLIVER
“Stalin 2”? Are you saying this kid is a reincarnated
Stalin?
TYLER
No remakes are so overrated and overdone, this is a
sequel!
(OLIVER looks at another tag)
OLIVER
“Sir Archibald farts a lot the third?” This is really
bad Tyler, how many kids have you changed the name of?
TYLER
Well it’s only my first day so only about 12 or 13 but
im behind on my quota. It took me a while to come up with
“Stalin 2”. I could be here all night naming the 30 other kids
i’ve got lined up, that’ll show those bitch parents
!!!
OLIVER
What Could these people have done to deserve having
their kid named,
(OLIVER looks at another babies name)
“Mr.PooPoo”
TYLER
I know, not my best work, but that lady was screaming
the entire time, she deserved it! So loud and disrespectful!
OLIVER
She was in labor!
TYLER
Well, wait till you see what I named the kid whose
parents forgot to tip!

(Points to another baby)
OLIVER
They aren’t even supposed to tip!
(OLIVER picks up the tag for the baby TYLER is pointing at)
OLIVER
Okay, this one isn’t that bad. I mean, Phyliss is kind of
an outdated name, but pretty nonetheless!
TYLER
Move your thumb over Oliver, you’re covering half of my
work.
(TYLER moves finger)
OLIVER
Oh, Syphilis. Lovely.
(Looks at another name out of his own volition)
I mean this one is just out of control you can't just name a kid
“Boeing 747”
TYLER
That wasn’t me actually, that’s Elon Musk’s new kid… really
nice guy!
OLIVER
Fine, Seriously though, TYLER, this is getting to be too much.
You can’t change the names of people’s babies just cause you
don’t like them. It’s HORRIBLE and it’s RUDE. I mean, can you
imagine the pain and trauma of having to go through life with a
ridiculous name like “Stalin 2” or ”Mr. Poopoo”? I won’t let you
get away with it! I’m going to track down all these parents and
correct what you did, or my name isn’t Oliver Klozoff
(pronounced: clothes off)!
LIGHTS