high school trauma began to come to an end, I anxiously waited for college,
excited to get out of the house and away from my parents, to a place where being
gay wasn’t a big deal.
I came to Haverford and began to talk to people about being gay. I spoke
with Theo, the contact person for bgala at the time. My friends Adrienne and Hil
were very helpful and supportive during that first year. I realized that I could be a
lot closer to people if they knew my little secret. Confused as to what I should do,
I turned to my parents very early in this “process” for support (something I very
much regret in retrospect) and told them the news on Thanksgiving of freshman
year. They had no idea why I wanted to be gay, and I didn’t really either. I mean,
I knew that I liked guys, had been in one-sided love with several of my friends, but
“so what?”, gay life looked so unappealing from the outside looking in.
To be honest, nothing changed substantively until I had my first relationship.
Then I realized not only what being gay was about, but what a huge part of life
was about. Slowly but surely, being in love changed everything. As I became
more and more proud of that relationship, I became more and more proud about
being gay. I soon wanted people to know -- I started to think that this part of
myself was pretty cool, that it was me, that everything was starting to make sense
-- I became angry at the world for making me hate my sexuality for so many years.
I regretted not being more proactive earlier.
In the past year, I have learned a lot about the gay world out there. I have
met some truly wonderful people -- the ease with which gay people can bond given
their shared experience is truly remarkable. I’ve had some great conversations
with people I would not have met if I wasn’t gay. Iam now quite proud of being
gay -- it would be silly not to, it is such an important part of who Lam. I also want
to do what I can to make the road smoother for people who were in my situation: I
want to be visible, I don’t want them to feel alone.
