I am so happy to have the pleasure to speak to you directly. I think it is so
important to balance the silence and anonymity that characterizes the young gay
experience with some proud, outloud voices. It was a struggle to get to this point,
and I am very excited that so many people have come to listen to what queer
students at Haverford have to say. - |
But then I don’t really know what to say to a large group of people, some
who I know and some who I don’t. My friends have heard me speak at length
about what it was like to grow up knowing I was gay, how I feel about it now and
how it might effect my future. I certainly can’t talk about all of this in front of a
big crowd of people. I guess it makes sense to just give a very brief synopsis of my
experience being gay. | |
I have known that I was gay for a very long time. Early on, like in junior
high, when I would sleep over at my best friend’s house, I would be up all night,
my heart racing, terrified by my overwhelming attraction to him, scared that I
would never be attracted to women. I waited and waited. I was terribly confused.
I thought all of my guy friends were making up these attractions to girls. For me, it
just wasn’t there. I became distrustful; I thought I was surrounded by phonies, that
they were making up these attractions. I played along, but it felt so awkward to
pretend. When I found out a girl liked me in high school, my friends would be
excited for me, but inside I was mortified, scared that she would find out my secret
and tell everyone. As the years went by, I realized that my sexuality was not going
to change, that I was just going to have to deal with it. 1 was horribly depressed,
frightened, and terribly lonely. I didn’t know a single gay person until I came to
college (or at least I thought I didn’t). I dreamed about finding a nice woman who
wasn’t interested in sex, so I could live out a “normal” life. Even standing up here
today, I’m not quite sure that I’ve fully dealt with that high school trauma, but, on
the bright side, I guess I could say it’s been a character-building experience. As
