Bromoerotic Bachelorette Script

Intro: music and heavily edited landscape shot, clips of bachelorette frolicking around
Narrator (host): This bachelorette came here searching for her needle in a
haystack, her own one-of-a-kind guy. Nurse practitioner and part-time middle
school girl’s soccer coach Sarah thinks that in this sea of hot singles, she just
might find Mr. Right.
Confessional booth:
Sarah: You know, it’s not easy as a hard working woman to find the right guy. I’m
just tired of going on all these first dates, you know? My demanding nature is
such an asset in the workplace, so I can’t understand why it doesn’t translate to
my love life.
Montage of guys hanging out, running around, tossing a ball, just generally being dudes
plays over narration
Narrator (host): And lucky for Sarah, we’ve got a group of strapping young lads
who are looking for love and connection as well, not only with the beautiful
bachelorette, but with each other.
Confessional booth:
Luke: Honestly, I’ve never felt so connected to a group of guys before.
--Interviewer: Do you think you’ll find true love here?
Brad: Absolutely man! I already have, like, five times.
--Jake: We’ve really been taking the time to get to know one another, testing out
our chemistry and building trust before taking things to the next level.
Interviewer: You and Sarah? Have you guys already gotten serious?
Jake: *chuckles* No, me and Brad. We’re starting a flag football league together.
--Interviewer: So, what was your first impression of Sarah
Luke: Who?
Interviewer: Uh, the bachelorette… You know, the one you’re competing for-Luke: *looking disinterested, he cuts her off & takes off his mic* Sorry, I don’t
have time for this right now. I gotta get back to our tossing sesh

Sarah walks out to the field of boys and puts her shrill and demanding voice to good
use, barking at them to circle up
Sarah: *blows ref whistle, yells aggressively* Circle up, ladies -- I mean, *trying
to be flirty* you guys
*dudes jog over, huddle around her*
Host: Gentlemen, it's time for our bachelorette to pick her first date!
Sarah: I was wondering, Marcus, would you want to go skydiving with me today?
Marcus: *unenthused* Oh, skydiving? Well if I’m scared of heights do I still have
to go?
Host: No, of course not.
Marcus: Then yeah, I do NOT fuck with heights, totally afraid of them.
Sarah: Well we could spend the day at the beach instead.
Marcus: *totally disinterested* Yeah, that sounds nice… but I am afraid of sharks
Sarah: That’s okay, we don’t have to go in the water!
Marcus: Uh, haven’t you heard of land sharks?
Sarah: *clearly getting frustrated* Well then why don’t we just cook then?
Something very easy and simple, nothing scary about that!
Marcus: *long pause, as he racks his brain with another excuse* … I’m afraid of
knives?
*Sarah gives death glare in response*
In the confessional booth. Her complaining is spliced together with shots of her getting
absolutely wrecked during some football/frisbee tossing sesh. The guys keep bumping
into her and then ignoring her, even knocking her to the ground. Eventually, she has to
sit out and watch them toss, glaring from the sidelines with an ice pack on her head.
Sarah: I mean, I’ll admit it. This experience is not quite what I was expecting.
You know, as the bachelorette, you envision being showered with affection and
compliments, but that has just not been the case. I feel like I’m having a hard
time keeping the guys engaged and attentive. I feel so invisible to them.
Fed up with her mistreatment, she gathers the lads for a dramatic sit down confessional:

Sarah: “I wanted to sit you all down to talk about how I feel like everyone’s been
treating me. I just think some of you guys aren’t here for the right reasons, and
I’m tired of being overlooked and underappreciated.”
*reverse shot to the group of guys all sitting around listening to her while rubbing
each others backs*
Brad: I don’t know Sarah, I feel like we’ve all been having a great time hanging
out together.
Luke: Yeah, we totally appreciate you!
Brad: I don’t mean to gaslight you or anything, but no one here is trying to avoid
you, and the fact that you think so just shows that you’re a hysterical woman.
*guys nod and murmur in agreement*
Jake: “I don’t know you guys, this feels wrong! Sarah, I gotta say, it kills me to
see you like this. We’re supposed to be here to make this a fun and enjoyable
time for you, and clearly we’ve failed you. And to know that my own negligence
possibly contributed to your sadness? *tearing up* That just breaks my heart.
Sarah: *wiping away tears* Wow Jake, that’s so sweet of y-*she looks up to see the guys all huddling around Jake, rushing to comfort him*
Luke: Don’t cry, bro!
Marcus: Yeah, it’s on all of us bro, not you!
*Cut to Sarah’s frustrated expression*
Jake: *open-mouth-cry talking (Kardashian style)* I just feel so guilty *drops his
head in sadness*
*Chorus of comforting remarks comes from the lads. Sarah looks like she’s about
ready to explode*
Sarah: *angrily, explosively* Are you guys even paying attention to me?!
*guys sort of get quiet and look towards her briefly, but then go right back to their
conversation*
Sarah: *screaming* That’s it! I’ve had it! I’d rather die alone than spend one more
second with you self-absorbed, idiotic, ASSHOLES!
*She storms out, awkward silence until we hear door slam*
Brad: Ugh, finally! Now we can put on the Eagles game and jerk each other off!

*Dudes hi-five each other. Lights*