Letter from M. Carey Thomas to Mary Elizabeth Garrett, April 07, 1893

Dearest Mary, Your bed is most comfortable - how I wish I had you safe in it and could take care of you and here I have been since 8 A.M. dictating letters steadily and getting others in order to write. All your notes and letters are attended to - they take but a moment, but I am in genuine despair about mine. How shall I ever, ever accomplish those letters and get out all my various publications and do my exam. papers? I do not see. I work literally all the time there is and except in New York with you when I really could not work even if I had not been with you I have not had one moment of amusement since sailing from Genoa. Yesterday from 8 till 10:45 (alas for my vow) profs were here and I was a little distressed by imagining that Warren had become a trifle sentimental. It cannot be but he is most agreeable to me of them all and I suppose I have showed it. We were laughing about telephones and I told of MauriceGÇÖs abuse of it during his engagement, how he rung us up at all hrs to know if she were well when he had left her an hr ago in robust health and Warrens look as he shook hands and said GÇ£that was right - he had it bad - but there is but one wayGÇ¥ a look that might have been given to some past experience, as was my own thought at the moment, made me nervous. Yes I fancy there is but one way and ever since my own dearly bought knowledge I have had a horror of causing even the faintest touch of such feeling in anyone even a man. But I am more and more sure that friendship or association that is not purely business is impossible between men and women and I wonder if it is easier between women unless otherwise preoccupied. How strange it all is and who would believe it. I was so exhausted after yesterday and distressed too by seeing for myself how ill Dr. RhGÇÖs still is that I decided to dictate letters from bed for no better reason than sheer laziness. It is my semiannual trial the studentsGÇÖ reception this evening and I think I shall stay in bed till I dress, as I must stand for 4 hrs. My throat is not yet well and how it will survive a low necked blue gown remains to be seen. Miss Murphy cried bec. I scolded her this morning. She sent off several of your letters without showing them to me. She must learn to do exactly as she is told. Miss McDowell has been told everything and for the third time about your jewelry. There is Mrs. Willie Buckler but the Lord be praised I am in bed and Mamie must see her. My dear, I do not suppose it is strange your back hurts because you are otherwise so run down but I am impatient about it. Tell me exactly how you are and how you sleep. MamieGÇÖs letter to you was very nice and she has not said one word about my spending those charming 4 days with you. Her attitude is really and truly changing and so much of it is due to her not having seen Julia since Xmas (MamieGÇÖs publication as your friend having had the result I hoped for in causing Julia not to return her visit) and to BessieGÇÖs mentioning neither your or my name. Then much is due to knowing you better. It makes me very happy. That reminds me I think it would have been better simply to let Julia return your red dress and do receive the buttons without discussion. I believe that it will be for your happiness to stop sending flowers or your carriage or presents for Miss Nelly (they are not welcome, cannot be after what has passed and are only so useful as giving Julia an effect of speaking ex cathedra when she talks about you. In my opinion your only safety is in entire cessation of intercourse mainly because Julia cannot be trusted in the impressions she gives of you and I want them not to come with authenticity. I want you to live now in a world, an honest straight-forward would where everyone knows you as you are nice and sweet and good and infinitely to be loved, not mysterious and full of dark whims etc etc. No words can express how different you are even from the person to who I lost my heart, or even I am ashamed to confess whom I longed for during the 18 months you were abroad. I send you several bills to attend to and cheques for all your bills so far received and two letters that require no answer. Of course I am not waylaying JohnGÇÖs letter. You shall have all of his productions at once. Mamie thinks silence about the Normal Sch the best. It is easiest certainly. I intend to dictate letters all tomorrow in bed. It seems so long since I saw you and - it is only 4 days. I am so sorry for my unsatisfactory letters. They are horrid. It is like the Lady of [illegible] a time comes when one is GÇ£sick of shadowsGÇ¥ I hope to hear better accts of you tomorrow. I enclose you Sarah SmileyGÇÖs acct of B.M. - Return it - The GÇ£splendid sacrificeGÇ¥ is of course her idiotic addition but it refers to our conversation. She asked me and I told her how entirely compatible celibacy seemed with people of health. Now goodbye and goodnight and sweet dreams - ah what can I call you? Cecil is Cecily and dates from 1st Leipzig days when Mamie called me Sweet in German with Leipzig diminutive Suessli [illegible] Cecily and Gertrude was clever enough to guess its [illegible]. No name is right and nothing expresses rightly the delight and the grief you have been.