Family Secrets

| don't know if things have changed much since I was at
Haverford. When I was there, Haverford was — well, it was
a world of its own. It was a type of place where difference
was accepted, as long as it didn’t deviate too much from
what was considered to be the norm. It was a place where a
person could truly be herself, as long as she didn’t care
what people thought of her. Haverford was one big, happy
family ~ as long as no one discussed any family secrets.

Don't sct me wrong. No one was mean to me or any-
thing because I was a bisexual woman of color. But I do
have mixed feelings about my four years at this wonderful
college, and have ever since I came out in the early winter
of my freshman year.

I guess I knew since I was in middle school that I was
“different.” | Just didn’t want to believe that I was bisexual
because as far as | knew, people like that didn't even exist
in this world. But all this started to change when I met
Claire (not her real name). We clicked right away; within a
few days we were inseparable. Although she went to anoth-
er college, she spent many nights in my dorm at Haver-
ford. We would spend hours talking about school, family,
and guys we liked, some of whom we even “dated.”

One night, as I lay in bed, I felt her fingers on my body.
She was scratching my stomach. I thought to myself No,
this can’t be happening! She was my best friend, and this
felt so right! I wanted to kiss her, to tell her how beautiful
she was, how much I had been wishing that I could hold
her tight in my arms, and how I thought I loved her. But I
didn't. What if she didn’t feel the same way about me?
What if she was just being her usual touchy-feely self?
What if she despised me because she learned my feelings
about her? What if she stopped being my friend because
she no longer felt comfortable around me? What if? What
if....I couldn't take a chance of losing her. So, I did the only
thing I could think of at the time: I closed my eyes and

I was asleep. |
avin mat though, i had all kinds of thoughts in my
head, and I had a strange new feeling — like I was floating
in the clouds. All of a sudden things made sense. The i
ings that I had suppressed since middle school sudcen y
were explained. That night, I learned something valuable
about myself. I admitted to myself that I liked —
too, and not just men. I felt relieved, yet I was scare , .

The next day, I approached a woman at Haverford who
was the only out woman on campus. I knew she was open

by May Mon Post yp)

 

about her sexuality because I had heard people = we
her. Anyway, I told her the story and asked her " ' a
should do. She gave me books on being bisexual an an
coming out to those close to you. She also told me t sie
be there for support if I ever needed to talk to anys ; an
asked her if I should come out to my friends and re os
told me yes, but only if I felt completely oe 7 a
doing so. She told me that if I didn’t feel an E ba
the idea, it was no one’s business. I thought and thoug
Out it.

ap en several weeks, | felt connrts
with the idea of coming out. | told myse “tod
that | needed to be true to myself. | approa mn
my customs person, who told me it was okay to be ; a
He also told me he was glad I came to talk to him 2 Dea
could do so any time I need to talk to someone. I deci
come out to my roommates and people in my name tus
group a few weeks later. I was surprised when they 7 a
were fine with my being bisexual and told me that I co er
always count on them. I felt relieved that they were not
judgment on me.
ee Thlina ach shoudhs I’m not so sure that they — ,
were fine with the idea. I remained friends with i O ey
guy friends, but my friendship with my roommates rea
rated. They continued smiling at me whenever I saw t
in the hallway and told me their opinion of me never ae
changed, but I noticed little things that said ar vier
would go to campus parties together, for cxampie, wi -
waiting for me, or leave these parties together wit —
They never once asked me about how I was cealing a
myself since I came out to men or what , did in

them that I “joined” the group.
wt didn't really care that | was peing an e
from the customs group because, all o a e
den, | felt as though | fit in somewhere. ov
the other BGALA members. I looked forward to going '° :
BGALA meetings and our outings at Penn once a = a
gay dance we frequented mo a were tent group — Ws ¢
had pot luck dinners, we had office ho © basement 0

orms where we could read, talk or just hang
and ched good discussions about all kinds of sues vc
sometimes went to the movies together, or went out ean
ner at restaurants or other people's houses. At the time

needed support, they were there. And I know that at the
time that they needed support, I was there.

 

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