Tristram Shandy Among the Houyhnhnms

(With apologies to Sterne and Swift)

 

A man and his HOBBY-HORSE,
though I cannot say that they act and
react exactly, after the same manner
in which the soul and body do upon
each other: Yet doubtless there is a
communication between them of some
kind; and my opinion rather is, that
there is something in it more of the
manner of electrified bodies—and that
—by means of the heated parts of the
rider, which come immediately into
contact with the back of the HOBBY-
HORSE—by long journeys and much
friction, it so happens, that the body
of the rider is at length filled as full
of HOBBY-HORSICAL matter as it
can hold—so that if you are able to
give but a clear description of the
nature of the one, you may form a
pretty exact notion of the genius and
character of the other.

One evening I sat writing in my
study—you, kind reader, who have
looked with favor—or lack of it—on
my Life and Opinions, know that I am
on occasion given to do so. But, in-
deed, for some time—perhaps half an
hour, perhaps less, perhaps more—
who knows?—I had written not a line
—for I was listening to my Uncle
Toby. You who know my Uncle Toby
will already have guessed—and right-
ly, too—that he was whistling Lilla-
bullero upstairs.

My door opened softly—since my
birth, Walter Shandy had once re-
membered to have the hinges adjust-
ed—and in came a parson. No,
Eugenius, it was not Yorick—alas,

 

 

36

poor Yorick!—but the shade of Doc-
tor S. I rose at once, and bade him be
seated, but he shook his head—perhaps
I should say, the ghost of his head—
and said—before I could ask him
whence he came, had I ever had any
such intention:
“T have come to take you with me
to the Land of the Houyhnhnms.”
“Indeed,” I began, but he went on:
“T must freely confess that the many
virtues of these excellent quadrupeds
placed in opposite view to human cor-
ruptions, had so far opened my eyes
and enlarged my understanding, that
I began to view the actions and pas-
sions of man in a very different light,
and to think the honor of my own
kind not worth managing. But all
that is changed since the spirit of your
Life and Opinions came among that
excellent people, for now they have re-
jected serious pursuits to become mere
HOBBY-HORSES. You have snatched
away the peace of my shade, and un-
less you restore it I shall give you no
rest in this world or the next. Come!”
He waved his hand. The walls of
Shandy-Hall—where, with the help of
the midwife and the interference of
Dr. Slop, I had come into this world,
and whence I had hoped to go to join
poor Yorick—dear departed friend,
when shall I see thee more ?—the mad
Shandean walls faded before my eyes.
The next instant I found myself, with
Doctor S. at my side, in a large
meadow, with a great grey stone barn
beside it. ‘Look,’ said my companion,
stretching a bony finger toward the
right, where I saw tennis courts, a
golf links, and a lake, with sailboats
and a rowboat—from the latter fishing
lines stretched in all directions, held
by two large percherons.. Two more’

1Fortunately, owing to the recent discovery
of certain autobiographical confessions,
in manuscript (known to the learned
world as B. M. C. Year Book Ques-
tionnaire (..34), the Editor is now
enabled to give the initials of those
Yahoos into whose possession these un-
fortunate Houyhnhnms had fallen, on
becoming HOBBY-HORSES. The
owners of the percherons were C. B.
and S. F. HOBBIES belonging to
K. LL. G. and M. M. €. would in all
probability have been found in the sail-
boats, had Tristram been near enough
to observe them in more detail.

2H. B. and M. W. C.